


EVERY MACDENNIS FIC EVER

by haemophilus



Series: Crack and Nonsense [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Common Fandom Tropes, Crack, Good Natured I Promise, M/M, Metafiction, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-10-04 22:29:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10291646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haemophilus/pseuds/haemophilus
Summary: I read too much fanfic.





	1. The One Where Mac and Dennis are in High School

**Author's Note:**

> Up front: I love the fanfic in this fandom a lot. There are so many extremely talented writers and I want ya'll to know that none of what you see here is poking fun at any one person in particular. If it's not common, it won't be here.

Mac is sitting behind the bleachers with Charlie. This is where they hang out because they never go to class, despite having somehow graduated from high school by the end of the fic. Also, they do like, a shitload of drugs back here without getting caught. That is, if a shitload of drugs implies weed and only weed. Despite being the Official School Drug Dealer, this seems to be the only drug that Mac carries at any given point in time. Mac and Charlie are smoking The Weed in a friendly and very aesthetic sort of way.

Because he knows Mac is in possession of The Weed, Dennis approaches Mac and Charlie one day. He is a fucking loser who is all by himself. Dennis is very Sad because of Mental Illness and possibly because he is unpopular, though of course he is totally in denial.

“Hey, can I have The Weed?” asks Dennis. He is, of course, totally inexperienced with Drugs.

“Only if I can rip you off and make you hang out with me,” replies Mac. He suddenly realizes that Dennis is the most beautiful man he has ever seen in his entire life. Dennis’s curls shine in the sunlight and he’s not awkward and gangly at all, don’t picture the actual teenage pictures of Glenn Howerton, really, Don’t.

“I am totally willing to be ripped off but not because I am Sad and a fucking loser who sits by myself,” replies Dennis. He sits down to smoke The Weed and magically Charlie disappears into thin air. From then on, Dennis is Mac’s best friend forever and always.

“You should light my joint while it’s in my mouth for The Aesthetic,” says Mac. Dennis’s eyes gleam magically when the lighter flicks on. They are very deep and Mac’s heart thumps but not like in a gay way, no sir, because Mac is not and has never been gay. He certainly is not Conflicted or In Denial.

After Dennis smokes The Weed, he says, “We should talk about something Deep, like God or something.”

“I believe in God,” says Mac. “Especially the part where he hates all gay people.”

“I don’t believe in God,” says Dennis. It’s beautiful and mysterious and Naughty because Mac has never heard of atheism before or something. “I am God,” he adds for good measure. Mac’s heart thumps because blasphemy is incredibly sexy.

“You’re going to hell,” says Mac, but like, in an awed sort of way. Dennis is not offended at all and this is really sexy too. In fact, this leads Dennis to kiss Mac that very day in a totally heterosexual way like heterosexual friends do all the time, especially when they are two dudes.

***

It’s prom night now and Mac is super mad because Dennis dared to bring a date to prom that was a girl. He has drunk a lot of alcohol and decided that it’s Fuckin Time. Somehow Dennis has disappeared but his date is in the wide open. Mac sidles up to her and says, “Hey, we should bang.”

Dennis’s nameless date is Mad because he has been ignoring her all night like the true douchebag he is. Mac bangs her in a broom closet and it sucks because he is gay. He also imagines banging Dennis the entire time and maybe says his name a little bit when he nuts inside Dennis’s date. Then Dennis’s date disappears into the night, never to be seen or heard from again. Girls are conveniently disposable that way.

Soon after, Dennis realizes that someone slept with his prom date. He is Angry and it is Scary but not so scary that he is Entirely Unmanageable and can’t be cured with a good hug.

“I fucking hate all girls,” he says and then he cries on Mac’s shoulder. Mac hugs him back.

“Tim Murphy slept with her,” he lies on this very day despite him actually not lying about this until _Underage Drinking: A National Concern._

This of course leads to Mac and Dennis having sex on prom night in Dennis’s bedroom. They also cuddle in the naked way. In the morning, they pretend it never happened, because it is exactly that easy to ignore having had sex with someone, especially gay sex in the early 90s.

***

It’s the night before Dennis goes off to college and the entire gang is at Dennis’s house. They are all drunk and high on something or other. Dee and Charlie are there but they are somewhere offstage, probably hugging and talking about how they always get shafted in these sorts of fics. Dee, of course, is going off to college too, but Juggernaut Slash reigns supreme so here the drama centers on Mac and Dennis and pining and loneliness and stuff.

“I’m sad that you’re going off to college so you can replace me with a bunch of girls,” says Mac. He reaches out to hold Dennis’s hand in a very heterosexual way. Dennis leans his head on Mac’s shoulder and it is also very heterosexual.

“Don’t worry. I’m going to suffer in college and miss you the entire time,” says Dennis.

“Maybe I should check on you every five minutes while you are gone,” says Mac.

“That’s a great idea because I’m definitely going to call you drunk and high due to my extreme college suffering,” says Dennis.

“I would be disappointed if you didn’t,” says Mac.

They fall asleep on each other in an entirely heterosexual way.

FIN


	2. The One Where Dennis's Femininity is Sexy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, all in good fun. I know these tropes so well because I inhale Sunny content.

Mac is having a problem. Namely, that Dennis’s shapely, feminine legs are the goddamn hottest thing he’s ever seen. Dennis has taken to wearing fishnets instead of pants like, all the time, and it gives Mac the hugest boner he’s ever had in his whole life.

Of course, this isn’t gay. No sir. Mac is in love with Dennis’s female form because he Likes Women and Is Heterosexual.

One day, Dennis is putting on bright red lipstick like he did that one time in _Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo_. In the episode that was a one-off situational time, but now Dennis has decided he likes wearing lipstick that bright, specifically to turn Mac on. Because obviously, Mac is very in love with him and his beautiful feminine lips.

“You look like a queer with all that makeup on,” says Mac, because slurs of course are in character in this fic.

“You love it,” says Dennis. He shakes his ass, as you do. Mac is transfixed because Dennis Is So Sexy. In this moment, Mac’s overwhelming hard on for hypermasculine beefcakes is tossed aside. Dennis’s body hasn’t quit and his bird hasn’t quit. He is totally legit and not in decline at all.

“I’m not gay,” says Mac.

“Yes, you are,” says Dennis. “You are overcome with lust for me and my feminine form.”

“Fuck, you’re right,” says Mac. “I want to bang you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

“Come and get it, baby boy,” says Dennis seductively.

They bang for hours and realize they loved each other the whole time.

FIN


	3. The One Where MacDennis is Religious High Drama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, all in good fun. Lotta blasphemy and self-hating gays in this chapter. Because. . .this fandom is like super into that.

Mac is on his knees praying the Our Father in the bedroom of his apartment. He does this every night for hours and hours on end, enough so that it’s a wonder he even leaves the house at all. The ten-foot bloody crucifix on his wall looks at him forebodingly. A tear comes to his eye and he prays louder. It is still the Our Father, though he occasionally slips into the Hail Mary, because these are the only Catholic prayers that exist in the entire world.

Sinful thoughts race through Mac’s mind. Specifically, Sinful Gay Thoughts About Dennis. These are the only things that Sad Catholic Mac has ever felt guilt about of course. This is because the main doctrine of the Catholic church is No Gays Allowed. To make matters worse, Dennis Reynolds goes against all of the other, less important doctrines, like theft and murder and coveting women and shit. Plus, he doesn’t believe in God, and sometimes says super blasphemous stuff, so he’s definitely hell bound.

The only thing that Mac wants in the entire world is for these gay thoughts to go away. This is difficult because Gay is his main personality trait and if he could pray it away he would basically be an empty husk of a person.

Just then, Dennis comes into his room unannounced. He is also not at work because Charlie and Dee and Frank are apparently fine with running the bar all by themselves while Mac and Dennis fuck each other.

“I see that you’re praying your gay thoughts away,” says Dennis seductively. He closes the door behind him to entrench their encounter in a mysterious and sexy darkness.

“Our Father who art in heaven,” continues Mac, pretending to ignore Dennis’s sultry grin. “Hallowed be they name.”

“It would be really sexy if you continued to say those prayers while I blew you,” says Dennis.

Mac stops praying and looks at Dennis. He kind of looks like Jesus if Jesus was a 30-something weirdo with an anteater nose and dead eyes. It is irresistibly sexy partly because it is so Naughty and Wrong. Mac sits on his bed, takes his pants off, and spreads his legs.

“Our Father who art in heaven,” he says. Dennis comes over and gets on his knees. He takes Mac’s cock in his mouth and gives him an amazing blowjob. It’s the hottest blowjob Mac has ever had because it turns out blasphemy is his kink. He cums on the word “God,” which Dennis takes as a personal compliment.

“I am your God now,” says Dennis. As it turns out, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is actually a high-drama show about sex and religious conflict. _The Young Pope_ has nothing on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

***

The next morning, Mac showers all by himself under extremely hot water. Maybe if he showers with hot enough water it will purify him from all of his gay thoughts. However, despite the water being about 200 degrees, he can’t stop thinking about Dennis and the sexy, blasphemous blowjob that he got last night. Mac is very Moody and very Introspective because on the one hand he loves blowjobs but on the other hand he also fears God.

Mac also can’t get his mind off of the fact that Dennis claims to be God like all the time. One could say that about 80% of Dennis’s personality involves his belief that he is God. The other 20% of his personality of course is his desire to corrupt Mac and turn him to The Gay Dark Side. It’s incredibly hot but also Bad and Wrong. Mac jacks off to see if it will help. It doesn’t.

***

The next day, Mac goes to confession. Between this and his prayers and his sad showers and his moody walks through the city of Philadelphia he hasn’t been to work in about two months.

“Father, I hate myself more than anything,” says Mac.

“Why, my son?” asks the priest.

“My roommate and I keep having weird gay blasphemous sex,” says Mac. A single tear runs down his face.

“Have you tried not saying the Our Father while inside your weird roommate?” asks the priest.

“It’s just too sexy!” wails Mac. “But I guess I can try.”

“Cool say ten Our Fathers and you’ll be good to go,” says the priest.

That night Mac says all ten of his Our Fathers while balls deep inside Dennis. Some things are just too Naughty to resist.

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear to god I have read like 70 of these though. Is the fandom ok?


	4. The One Where Dennis is a Tragic Figure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read every fic of this like I have then. . .content warning for all of that stuff. For everyone else, content warning for drugs, rape mentions, violence, codependency, every bad coping mechanism under the sun, etc.
> 
> This one was a real callout to myself and everything I like.

College is going terribly for Dennis Reynolds. He has of course been a sad and tragic individual for his entire life, but now he is All Alone and away from his friends, especially Mac. Dee is here too and is also canonically miserable but as it has been collectively decided that Dennis is pretty when he suffers, this is his story.

Dennis doesn’t fit in at his fraternity, though he is totally in denial. The other frat brothers view him with disdain, probably because he isn’t as rapey here as he is in canon. He’s failing all of his classes and he can hardly get anyone to sleep with him. Dennis stops eating and he drinks hard liquor morning, noon, and night. Also, he starts using a lot of hard drugs. He becomes so bony that his wrists are as thin as the cigarettes he chain-smokes.

His new favorite hobby is calling Mac when he is super drunk and high. This ensures that Mac is extremely worried about him for four years. Anyway, it’s not like Mac was doing anything with his life after high school outside of pining for Dennis Reynolds. Dennis has always been the center of Mac’s entire universe and his only friend.

“I’m as empty inside as a black hole,” says a very drunk Dennis one winter night to Mac over the phone. This is both confusing and upsetting to Mac.

“What the hell does that mean, Dennis?” asks Mac. Dennis does not reply.  He has fallen down out of a window into a snow pile and is getting hypothermia. They never speak of this again, because ignoring major mental breakdowns is exactly that easy.

***

Dennis is shirtless and smoking a cigarette in his dark bedroom. Nobody has seen him hold one in canon since around 2008, but he has definitely been a chain smoker this entire time. He taps his cigarette into an ashtray on the floor. Next to the ashtray lies an empty beer bottle, a crack pipe, a porn magazine, handcuffs, whips, a used syringe, and a book on crash dieting. A man’s boxers and a woman’s bra are hung from his doorknob. Other coping mechanisms are piled up by the dresser; Dennis hasn’t tried them yet, but he will by the end of the fic.

Dennis takes another drag on his cigarette, and blows the smoke out slowly for that WeHeartIt smoking aesthetic. It’s a little sexy in a sad sort of way. He starts to openly cry. Oh, what a tragic and painful life he lives. Every second of his existence is a level of melodramatic agony not experienced by any person since the great Byronic antiheroes of the Romantic era. If only anyone could understand his pain.

Offstage, Dee senses a disturbance in the universe. Another fic that’s Extra about Dennis is being written and the author has no intent to include her as an equal in Dennis’s suffering at all. She makes a mental note to hunt Dennis down and punch him once the author has moved on to writing something else.

Because any fic that is Extra about Dennis isn’t complete without obligatory MacDennis, Mac barges in to Dennis’s room.

“Dude, you’ve been in here for three days, what’s wrong?” he asks. Mac, of course, always notices when things are wrong, unlike the other members of the gang who don’t care if Dennis doesn’t show up for work for days on end.

“Life is agony,” moans Dennis.

“Have you eaten at all?” asks Mac.

“You know I never eat in these stories,” says Dennis.

“I guess it’s my job to make sure you eat,” says Mac, in a way that isn’t codependent at all.

Mac orders Chinese food and then feeds it to Dennis with his chopsticks.

“By the way,” says Dennis between bites. “If you’ve noticed, I haven’t raped or murdered anyone at all since you’ve been feeding me.”

“We’re a pretty great pair,” says Mac.

“You make me a lot more sympathetic,” says Dennis.

Mac smiles and his upside-down D eyes blind everyone with cute.

***

Dennis is furious. He and Mac had a fight and it’s the worst thing that has ever happened because in Sunny fanfic, arguments hold a lot more weight than they do in canon. Anyway, he’s pacing back and forth in the apartment and seething. He isn’t sure how to get out his aggression, because canonically he’s terrifying in a way that is a bit much for sympathetic fanfiction.

Just then, he spots something that is absolutely perfect. It’s a mirror! He glowers at his own face and then shatters the mirror with his fist. His hand bleeds in a very Aesthetic way. Then he spots an object that belongs to Mac and breaks that also.

Later, Mac cleans up Dennis’s bloody hand as he cries.

FIN


	5. The One Where Mac and Dennis Have Angry Sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is kind of short because I thought I could shove it under 'poorly negotiated BDSM' but this trope actually doesn't interact with that trope very much for some reason. So. . .here is the fic where Mac and Dennis punch each other and then bang. There are. . .a lot of these.

Mac and Dennis are having a very bad day. The author has decided that they need to have an argument to build sexual tension, so here they are shouting at each other across their living room. Their faces are red with rage, and both of them are close to tears. Hot!

“I’m so mad that you slept with that girl!” shouts Mac.

“It’s ludicrous that you’re angry about canon-typical behavior!” says Dennis. His teeth are bared in a way that is both feral and sexy.

“Fuck words! Let’s fight!” yells Mac. He runs across the room, and punches Dennis right in the face. Dennis’s nose crushes under Mac’s fist, and blood starts pouring into his mouth.

Naturally, he gets very hard.

“Why the fuck did you break my gorgeous angelic nose?” screams Dennis. He tackles Mac to the ground, straddles him, and punches him in the eye over and over.

Mac also becomes erect.

“Because physical assault is really hot!” shouts Mac. He rolls his hips rhythmically against Dennis’s leg as the assault continues, because nothing short of death can stop Mac’s Insatiable Gay Thirst.

“Oh shit, you’re right,” says Dennis. He looks thoughtfully at his bloody knuckles. “This is the most aroused I’ve ever been in my entire life.”

“We should fuck to get rid of this manufactured sexual tension,” says Mac. Dennis thrusts against Mac, and moans softly.

“You can pay me back for all that punching by rawing me in the ass,” says Dennis.

They fuck on their hardwood living room floor without using lube or condoms.

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No really, a lot. Is this fandom ok?


	6. The One Where MacDennis is a Lifelong Romantic Tragedy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings for discussions of rape, mentions/usage of drugs and alcohol, relentless snark, and just. . .this show, man. All of it.

Mac is sixteen years old and standing behind the bleachers with Charlie. The two of them are passing a joint back and forth when a scrawny classmate of theirs approaches them with his hands in his pockets. Mac passes the joint back over to Charlie, looks up at the sky, and furrows his brow in discontent.

“Again?” he shouts. Mac looks away from the sky and over to where Charlie was sitting just moments before. His friend has disappeared, leaving him alone with the other boy.

“Hey,” says Dennis. He ruffles his hand through his long curls. “How much is it to buy some weed?”

Mac looks up at the sky again. “There are other ways we could meet!” he shouts. “Really, this isn’t canon! You can do whatever you want!”

“Just stick to the script and give me the weed, Mac,” says Dennis.

“But we just did the high school fic like five chapters ago,” whines Mac.

“Mac, look at me,” says Dennis. “Do I look like the high school fic to you?”

Mac takes a long look at him. Dennis isn’t a glittering Adonis this time – he’s around thirty pounds underweight with huge bags under his cold eyes. Something clicks into place in Mac’s brain.

“Oh. . .this is the fic that paints our entire lives as a tragic love story,” says Mac.

“You got it, bud,” says Dennis.

“I really could sell you anything though,” says Mac. “I mean, it would be even more tragic if I sold you cocaine or something.”

The author, frustrated with Mac’s insubordination, hits him over the head with an extra helping of religious guilt as punishment.

“The weed, Mac,” says Dennis, holding out his hand.

“Fine!” says Mac. “You can have it if you smoke it with me. Happy?”

“Yeah,” says Dennis. “Let’s do it.”

They sit down together on the grass. Mac rolls and lights a new joint for them and, after taking a drag, passes it over.

“Why does this same narrative get told over and over?” asks Mac.

“People like origin stories,” says Dennis.

Mac nods thoughtfully. “So are you saying we’re like, the Spiderman of the 90s?”

“I’m saying whatever will make you complacent for the rest of this longfic that covers the next 20 years of our lives,” says Dennis. “So sure, whatever. Spiderman.”

A cloud passes over the sun, and casts a shadow over them. Dennis’s cheeks look more hollow without sunlight, and his curious blue eyes go dark.

“Don’t you get tired of reliving all this tragic suffering and shit?” asks Mac. Dennis laughs, and a little life reappears in his eyes.

“Are you kidding? All I have to do is be as self-destructive as possible and everyone loves me. It’s the greatest gig in the world.”

Mac leans on Dennis’s shoulder, and takes another drag on his joint. He blows out the smoke, and savors the taste it leaves behind.

“How early do we get to have sex in this one?” he asks.

“Nineteen,” says Dennis.

“Drunk?” asks Mac.

“Always,” says Dennis. He takes the joint out of Mac’s hand, and smokes it himself.

“Well. . .better than nothing,” says Mac.

“That’s the spirit,” says Dennis.

They kiss for the first time that afternoon, and never mention it again.

***

This saga of their lives of course changes perspective many times, as the depth of Mac and Dennis’s tragic relationship cannot be contained within a consistent point of view. And so, we turn to Dennis, who is, of course, suffering. He’s 21 years old, high on cocaine, and sitting by the phone with his eyes bugging out of his head. With fumbling fingers, he calls Mac.

“Dude, I don’t know if I’m gonna make it through this fic,” he says before Mac can say anything. “I think the author is trying to get me to OD on cocaine. I’m only in my 20s! What the hell does the author have planned for me?!”

His heart is pounding so fast that he feels it in his throat.

“Dennis, calm down,” says Mac.

“Mac, I don’t want to die. I’m too beautiful!” says Dennis. His entire body is shaking.

“You’re not going to die. The author just wants to make our codependency look great in comparison to your mental breakdown.”

Tears form in Dennis’s eyes. “That’s so cruel. Why would they do that to me?”

“Well,” says Mac. “You’re a real piece of shit in canon.”

“Canon hasn’t even happened yet!” cries Dennis. “The author didn’t even let me rape any sorority girls or frat brothers before starving me and getting me addicted to coke!”

“Not even one?” asks Mac.

“Nope!” says Dennis, wiping away some of his tears. “I think this author is really uncomfortable with the fact that I’m a rapist.”

“That’s fair,” says Mac.

“No it’s not! I didn’t sign up for a fic where I wasn’t allowed to hurt other people, Mac! It’s supposed to be about our entire lives! I hurt lots of people all the time!” says Dennis.

Mac sighs. “Dennis, you’re being hysterical. You’re the one who was willing to trade away your dignity for attention in the first place!”

Dennis doesn’t answer; he has peed his pants and blacked out. Mac gathers his car keys and heads to the hospital to deliver a codependent serving of tough love.

***

Mac and Dennis are 28 years old and extremely drunk in their shared apartment. They are holding hands, and it’s ok because Mac prayed a Hail Mary and they both said ‘no homo’ first.

“You know,” says Mac. “I’m really glad the author gave me an extra helping of religious guilt. It’s helped to fill up a lot of those six years between your college graduation and the start of canon.”

Dennis nods. “I wasn’t sure how I felt about my severe college anorexia but recovering from it has filled up a lot of time too.”

“You look a lot healthier now,” says Mac. “Though you still seem to weigh around 70 pounds, for some reason.”

“The author kinks on me being impossibly thin and girlish,” says Dennis.

“Pale too,” says Mac.

“She spends too much time browsing Tumblr and WeHeartIt,” says Dennis. He leans his head on Mac’s shoulder, comforted by his warmth.

“Wanna bang?” asks Mac.

“Are we talking a blasphemy bang or a Sexy Guilt Bang?” asks Dennis.

“Well, I was thinking that we could blow each other and then I would go cry in the shower for four hours,” says Mac.

Dennis ponders the proposition momentarily.

“Alright. But don’t use up all the hot water. I haven’t sat in the shower and cried about my inner emptiness yet this week and I think today is the day.”

Mac uses up all the hot water anyway. Dennis’s tragic contemplative shower is freezing.

***

How many ways can Mac save Dennis from himself? Well, in fact, there’s at least one for every season. Of course, a show presented as an ensemble comedy does not have time to show every single moment of Mac and Dennis’s tragic love story. Thankfully, fanfiction is here to help.

**Season 1**

While it seemed like Mac actively helped Dennis get date-raped in this episode, little did we know that he later apologized and comforted Dennis about his trauma.

**Season 2**

Onscreen, Mac made fun of Dennis’s crack addiction to his face. Once the cameras weren’t rolling anymore, however, he was a powerful force in getting Dennis clean.

**Season 3**

In the aftermath of Dennis’s traumatizing prostitution, Mac helped Dennis sue Frank for physical and emotional damages.

**Season 4**

Mac personally bandaged Dennis’s faux-stigmata after he escaped from the warehouse where Mac and Frank left him for dead.

**Season 5**

Truly a great MacDennis season with no behind the scenes comfort needed at all. They definitely were plowing this entire season.

**Season 6**

Mac and Dennis cuddled for days after Mac moved back into their shared apartment. Dennis was scarred by marriage to a cute and doting wife, but Mac was there to make everything ok again.

**Season 7**

Dennis cried into Mac’s arms after the high school reunion because he wasn’t able to fight or maim any of the savage idiots from high school who offended him.

**Season 8**

Mac and Dennis shared a bed for several months after Dennis was scarred by the sight of his mother as a skeleton in her grave.

**Season 9**

Mac saves Dennis from suicide after The Gang Broke Dee; his joke about Dennis killing himself was all a mask for true concern over Dennis’s well-being.

**Season 10**

The Worst Year for Dennis. Basically, MacDennis hugs were happening all year.

**Season 11**

Mac comforted Dennis after he taught him a valuable lesson by feeding him Dennis Jr.

**Season 12**

Dennis never left, everything is FINE, they will be together FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER.

***

Mac and Dennis are drunk in their apartment and spooning shirtless on the floor. It’s exactly after the last season left off, because this fic was written during one of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s disgustingly long hiatuses.

“Are you glad we decided to be a part of this story?” asks Dennis.

“Well, I got to bang you a lot, so I guess it was alright,” says Mac. He turns around to face Dennis.

“Thank god you’re finally out,” says Dennis. “All that praying after we banged was very tiresome.”

“Yeah,” says Mac. “I’m glad too.”

“I just feel like something has been. . .missing,” says Dennis. “I can’t put my finger on it. . .”

“I want to bang other dudes,” says Mac.

“Yep, that’s it. I want to bang other people too,” whines Dennis.

“You do not have the muscle definition I’m looking for, man,” says Mac.

“And you have no tits!” cries Dennis. He laughs, and for a moment, it’s infectious before the room dies down into an eerie silence again.

“Where have our friends been? Like where is Charlie? I haven’t heard from him in like five years,” says Mac.

“I think it’s just us,” says Dennis soberly. “It’s just us and this apartment until the sun expands and consumes the earth and all of the fanfic ever written along with it.”

“That’s. . .bleak, man,” says Mac.

“It’s what we signed up for,” says Dennis. “We chose to be part of this story.”

Mac nods thoughtfully.

“Wanna bang and then drink ourselves to death?” he asks.

“You know it,” says Dennis.

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this and it ended up with the characters being like way more aware that they are in a story than they were in the other chapters - apologies if that's not what you were expecting. Idk what happened, one minute I was writing, and the next minute Dennis was telling me he didn't want to die because he was too beautiful.
> 
> Fun but useless information - I've found writing these that the emotional tropes are actually easier to write than the straight up porny ones because paradoxically, making fun of porn is so. . .generic and easy? I dunno I feel like I'm zinging way fewer one-liners with the faux porn drabbles.


	7. The One Where Dennis Comes Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It sure has been a while since I updated this. I wasn't sure if I ever would again but man, the world has just been so depressing and stressful and I needed to crack myself up a little bit.
> 
> Hope it makes you guys laugh too :)

Dennis is sitting in the snow in North Dakota, bawling his eyes out. He is Terribly Sad because he hates fatherhood and also he misses Mac. Dennis looks up at the sky, and snowflakes land in a very aesthetic sort of way onto his tears. He wipes them away with a hand that has fingers as thin as twigs. Oh, if only he hadn’t run from his feelings for Mac to go father his son.  What a terrible life he has made for himself by choosing to take on adult responsibilities at the very young age of forty.

He mulls over his old life - the bar, Mac, his range rover, Mac, some other people that he used to hang out with, and Mac. His old life with Mac and some other people was perfect. Dennis takes his phone out of his pocket, and sends a text to Mac.

 _I miss you more than anything in the world, sweetums,_ he writes. Hopefully, Mac will take this platonically. The thought of revealing his Deep and Romantic feelings to his openly gay best friend with an obvious crush on him is Too Much to Handle.

Dennis doesn’t ever text any of the other people he left behind. Why should he? Mac is the only person who has ever been important to him. Who are the other people in his contacts anyway? Dennis squints at their names. Der, Charkle, and Fart.

Goddammit. He can’t do this anymore. It’s time for Dennis to go home to Mac. He leaves without saying goodbye to Mandy or Brian Jr. He’ll give them a call after he’s stolen Mac’s boyfriend and bottomed for Mac a time or three. For now, the only person that matters is Mac.

*

Mac is a complete and total wreck. His best buddy in the Whole Entire World has gone to be an adult while he is stuck here, banging endless beefcakes and running a successful bar. Every five seconds he bursts into tears. How ever can he go on without the only important person in his life? Mac is all alone in his sadness; no one could ever understand it, including Dennis’s twin sister or his other best friend. What are their names, anyway? Dert and Charplie? Mac sighs. It doesn’t matter. They're unimportant to the narrative anyway.

Just then, a man who looks sort of like Dennis but not quite enters the bar. He walks over to Mac, who is actively sobbing, and dries his tears.

“Hi,” he says. “My name’s Dannis. Wanna be my boyfriend?”

“W-well you’re not my usual type, but I’m so lonely that yes. Yes I’ll be your boyfriend!” says Mac.

They become serious immediately. Dannis lives in Mac’s apartment within a week.

*

Dennis arrives back at his old apartment, which is still furnished exactly like it was in 12.10. Instead of creeping him out, his heart swells with joy. Finally he’s in a home that he secretly loved the entire time. Surely this means that Mac has been waiting for him -

Just then, Mac and Dannis stumble into the apartment half-naked. They were at a gay bar or some shit and now they were planning to make sweet, sweet love. Dennis sees red at the knowledge that Mac has a new boyfriend? How dare he make a new life for himself!

“Who’s this asshole?” He says through gritted teeth.

Mac’s heart pounds. His true love has returned!

“This is Dannis. He’s my boyfriend and definitely not your replacement,” says Mac.

Dennis clenches his fists. “Well, send him back where he came from. You’re my boyfriend now.”

Dannis raises his hand. “I really love Mac. Do I get a say in this at all?”

Mac turns to Dannis. “Sorry, buddy. Your only purpose in this story was to create drama when Dennis came back home.”

“The only happy ending Mac is allowed to have is with me,” says Dennis. “So go on. From whence you came.”

He shoos Dannis out the door. Dannis hangs his head, and leaves. Dennis heaves a great sigh.

“Mac, I left for North Dakota because I love you too much, baby. I was so scared of my feelings that I had to go. Not like, the murdery or rapey ones, but the feelings of love that I had for you.”

Mac breaks out into a huge grin. “Oh baby, I love you too! Despite all of your homoerotic text messages while you were gone, I never knew!”

“Will you be my boyfriend forever and ever?” asks Dennis with tears in his eyes.

Dennis closes the space between him and Mac. They’re touching foreheads and holding hands and wow it’s so sweet, so romantic, so wonderful. Almost makes you forget that Dennis just destroyed Mac’s relationship to get this happy ending.

“Of course I will!” says Mac.

Dennis grabs his hand, and leads him to the bedroom.

“Oh Mac! I’ve never been happier. Let’s have sex right now!” he says.

“Will you be on the bottom?” asks Mac.

Dennis grins. “I always am.”

FIN

 


	8. The Get Together Fic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was laughing at clips of Sunny on YT this morning and I decided to share my good mood via my brand of troll humor. Idk if there are any content warnings here. Rape mention maybe? If you're this far, you know what to expect.

Mac sighs loudly. Dennis has been Weird and Moody for weeks and he can’t figure out why. This isn’t the usual kind of Weird and Moody either. Instead of him stomping around muttering about his latest thwarted attempt to rape women or something, he’s acting kind of pissy towards Mac. 

After drawing straws to see who will play Yente in this fic, Dee disappears offscreen to something something unimportant B plot. Charlie walks over to Mac and says, “What’s wrong, buddy?”

“I just don’t know why Dennis is mad at me,” says Mac. “I don’t have any serious character flaws in this fic. How can he be angry at that?”

Charlie puts his hand on Mac’s shoulder. “Isn’t it obvious? He wants you to nut inside him.”

Mac’s lips form a perfect ‘O’ of shock. “But I am not a gay!”

“Are you sure?” says Charlie, giving him a Knowing Look.

Mac thinks for a moment. “I’m not. But I know who might have the answer: Catholic God.” 

*

Dennis is pacing back and forth in his and Mac’s apartment. They have one themselves because they got a new one/alternate universe where they never set theirs on fire/Dee moved out/it’s just hotter that way. He’s consumed with thoughts of lust and frustration about Mac being gay. Why does he love Catholic God more than Dennis? Every time Mac looks at him, Dennis can see that he is full of Gay Lust for Dennis. 

He daydreams about Mac’s enormous yaoi hands opening him up with one finger and then two and then three. . .Dennis bites his lip and moans at the thought of bottoming. God, he wants to bottom for Mac. His asshole tingles just thinking about it. 

There are no other options here. He must get Mac out of the closet. 

*

Mac and Dennis are staring at each other in their apartment. They’re both Incredibly Tense - some mixture between hot and awkward that’s sure to resolve in really vanilla sex.

“I’m not a queer!” says Mac. “I don’t wanna nut inside you!”

Dennis cocks his eyebrow sexually. “Are you sure?”

Mac thinks about it for a moment. “No.”

“Do you wanna find out through calling me God during vanilla sex for about 2000 words?” said Dennis.

“Can I call you the queer?” asks Mac. 

Dennis smiles, looping his thumbs in his boxers and pulling them down. “I find casual slurs to be irresistible.”

*

Charlie, Dee, and Frank are sitting at the bar, drinking casually.

“Hey, have you seen Mac and Dennis in a while?” says Charlie.

Dee shakes her head. “Nope. Good riddance too. Those boners are the worst.”

“Hoors,” says Frank.

*

“Oh, Mac!” cries Dennis. “Fuck me harder! Specifically in my ass!”

Mac speeds up. Dennis feels as though he’s made of stained glass or something and all of the colorful pieces are his soul and like Mac’s dick is breaking the stained glass window but also putting it together too into some sort of heavenly thing.

“Are you okay, Dennis?” says Mac.

“I’m thinking about how I love bottoming using elaborate metaphors,” says Dennis. “More banging, less interrupting my internal monologue.”

Anyways, Dennis has always wanted to be on the bottom because he’s all fragile on the inside or some shit and he’s scared of how vulnerable he feels but also he wants to feel this way because he loves Mac so much -

Dennis nuts all over himself and Mac. Mac nuts inside him. His soul is complete.

“I love you more than anything,” says Dennis.

“I love you too,” said Mac. “I’m so glad that sex scene was from your perspective though because the face you make when you nut is going to haunt my nightmares.”

“There’s so much porn of me. . .” says Dennis with a glazed look in his eye. “I didn’t even make most of it.”

Mac strokes Dennis’s hair. “Rule 34, my love.”

*

“We’re together now,” Mac and Dennis tell the gang after banging for three straight weeks.

“We know,” says Charlie.

“We’ve been running the bar without you for three straight weeks,” says Dee.

“Hoors,” says Frank.

“Did we miss anything?” says Dennis.

Charlie and Dee give each other Knowing Looks.

“Well one thing led to another and we fell in love offscreen,” says Dee.

“Oh neat!” says Mac. “Now we’re all coupled up just as God intended.”

“Hoors,” says Frank again.

“How long did this plot take us this time?” says Dennis as he grabs a beer.

Dee flips through a manuscript on the bar. “About 20,000 words.”

“Huh,” says Dennis. “How long is  _ Macbeth _ ?”

Dee checks her phone. “17,121.”

A brief silence.

“Wanna go have sex in the back office?” says Mac.

“Always,” says Dennis.

FIN


End file.
